Sometimes I’m not as strong as I say I am
Ever since I first came across the definition of “bigender” I’ve been on a personal quest to accept myself for whom I am. I know it’s something that I need to do if I’m ever going to be truly happy. For my entire life I’ve had a sadness deep within my heart that I couldn’t explain, one that has at times threatened to overwhelm me and one that has on numerous occasions caused me to self harm. Almost a year ago when I first saw that word, bigender, something clicked.
For the first time I understood my problem was that I was not being true to myself or to anyone else I’d ever known or loved. I had a wonderful life; a great job, an amazing wife and my own home. It was more than I could have ever hoped for or that I thought I deserved. Still though, I wasn’t truly happy. And so when I finally understood why, I tried my damnedest to embrace the feminine part of me that was so desperately screaming to get out.
This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I still have such a long way to go. I lost my wife. I lost my home and because of a suicide attempt last April directly related to my trans issues I might now lose the security clearance I need for my job. I look at my life today and I ask myself, “was it worth it?” Honestly, at the moment it sure doesn’t feel that way. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that eventually I’ll be able to reach some degree of self-actualization and I’ll then be able to live out the rest of my days at peace with myself and my gender(s).
But this is so hard.
I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Yes, I can transition and reshape my body into the configuration that I know it’s supposed to be in. Even with the extraordinary financial burden and the pain associated with the surgical procedures I intend on subjecting myself through, that’s no problem. For me, the physical transition is such an easy thing to accept. Embracing both of my genders equally and loving myself for who I am is the hard part.
Sometimes I really fucking hate being bigender. When I’ve been presenting in female mode and I flip to male I’ve been trying to pretend that it’s not happening. I keep playing the part of the gender that I’m presenting as and it has gotten to a point where I wasn’t even aware that I was doing anymore. I’m so desperate for people to see me as a woman that I’ve been ignoring the fact that my guy side even exists. As a result I always feel scared and insecure that people will judge me as some sort of “thing” as opposed to just a regular (albeit unique) human being. I don’t want to be seen as less of a woman for sometimes having a male mind.
And so in a way I’m no better off then when I started. I’m still putting on the same damned act that I have been since I was a child and my father would scold me for, “acting like a homo”. Just now as a woman instead of a man. Sometimes. Fuck, it’s all so confusing.
And so that’s my problem. All my life I’ve been afraid of people judging me and so I’ve been pretending. As a result I always feel uncomfortable and awkward, which in turn results in me not being able to open up to anyone, which results in me withdrawing, which results in my being lonely and miserable. I have to accept myself if I’m ever going to have the rich, rewarding life that I deserve. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of if I’m being honest about whom I am. Other people might take issue with my non conformity along the gender spectrum but their problems aren’t my problems.
Transitioning from one gender to the other is fucking hard. I’m transitioning with two genders inside of me, and I have very little to no control over when I flip. I’m going to make it work though. I’ve been through too much and I’ve gone too far to just give up. There’s nothing wrong with me and I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not in order to be loved.
So as I finish typing this post I’m promising myself that I will do my very best to be more mindful regarding how honest I’m being. If I’m ever going to have serenity in my heart and if I’m ever going to form the interpersonal relationships that I want to make then this is imperative. It’s easier said than done, but I’m going to try.
Thanks for reading, you magnificent creature you.